Four Is Company
by Jane Poirot
Summary: Jessica and Kanon find themselves in the middle of an Umineko sex comedy...happy new year folks!


**Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, and this is not part of any continuity or anything like that; this is just something totally random. The idea came to me while I was playing basketball in Phys Ed one day...yeah, don't ask. And don't tell my teacher, either.**

**Also, major OOC-ness may occur. Explanation will be given at the end.**

* * *

Jessica found Kanon in the dining room. As usual, he was angsting over being furniture. And as usual, there were six dead bodies that had their faces torn apart.

"Kanon-kun," said Jessica, walking up to the angst-ridden furniture, "I've been doing some thinking. About these murders. And..." She paused and looked down.

"What is it, milady?" asked Kanon.

Jessica bit her lip and blinked away tears. "It's nothing," she said, her voice cracking up.

"Milady," said Kanon, pulling out a handkerchief and drying away Jessica's tears, "if you are crying, then it is certainly nothing. What would you have to be sad over anyway? Your parents were not chosen for the witch's sacrifices...this time. Unfortunately, my sister was...at least she and her lover got to die together. I, in the mean time, am still alive. And I am still furniture. I have no place in this world other than to serve because I am just furniture."

Jessica looked up. Kanon then felt afraid, for she had an unusually excited look in her eyes. "If you are furniture," she purred, running one finger down Kanon's jacket, "will you be my bed?"

She blushed and laughed, "Sorry. I don't know how else to say it, but...Kanon-kun, I love you. And I want to make love _to _you right now."

Kanon blinked. "But milady, I am only furniture."

Jessica blinked seductively. Her inner sex kitten was about to come out. "Really?" she purred, taking one of his hands and lightly sucking his fingers. She wriggled her eyebrows at him madly, causing Kanon to gulp. He wanted this...she was tempting him...but he couldn't...he was only furniture...

"Milady," Kanon started to say, but Jessica growled, "Call me Jessica, _baby."_

Jessica grabbed Kanon by the hair and forcefully pressed her lips against his. Kanon, no longer able to resist, wrapped his arms around Jessica and returned the kiss with just as much force, tearing off his shirt, revealing the sexy beast that lurked within him. He lifted her off her feet and threw her down on the dining table, causing her to gasp.

The two then promptly stopped what they were doing and separated. They locked eyes. Kanon laughed, "Sorry. I...I don't know where _that_ came from."

He looked around at the dead bodies. "I think we should carry this elsewhere," he said. "It would be a great disrespect to the dead to have sex in their presence."

"Yeah, you're right," admitted Jessica, sliding off the table and onto the floor. "It would feel like they were _watching_ us or something." She took Kanon by the hand. "Come. We'll take this to my room."

* * *

After carefully sneaking past the other adults, Kanon and Jessica made their way to Jessica's room. When they opened the door, the room was enveloped in darkness. Not questioning the reason for this, Kanon closed the door behind them and the ferocious making out session resumed.

Neither of them ever knew just how truly satisfying making out would be until they actually got around to doing it. They stumbled through the dark, allowing their senses to be their guide. Kanon ran one hand through Jessica's hair until he found the band holding up her ponytail. He let it loose and they walked even further to the bed, barely able to contain their excitement over finally being able to consummate their love for one another.

They finally made it to the bed and fell down onto it...

...only to be startled by a loud scream, causing them to abruptly stop and jerk up in bed, realizing at the same time someone _else _was in bed with another person. This revelation caused _them_ to scream.

In the dark, it was difficult to make out the shapes of the people below the covers, and Jessica and Kanon certainly did not _want_ to find out who these people were. What if they were Jessica's parents? _That_ would be truly mortifying.

Kanon leaped off the bed and ran over to the light switch, stumbling in the dark. Jessica decided to get off the bed and help him. As she did, she heard the voices whisper:

"No, don't! Get out of here!"

"Shut up you idiot! Don't give us away any more than you already have!"

"Why do those voices sound so familiar?" Jessica muttered. Within seconds, she found out the reason why: Kanon flipped on the switch, illuminating the room, and exposing the two, shameful figures beneath the sheets, both of whom were trying to throw the blankets back over their heads, but freezing in mid-attempt upon their exposure. And they were...

"Battler-kun?" whispered Jessica, horrified to see her cousin in bed with...

"B—Beatrice-sama!" gasped Kanon.

Battler was the first to speak: "Look, I can explain..."

"There's nothing _to_ explain, really," sighed Beato, deciding to get their shame over with. "Playing so many games together gets boring after a while, and so we decided in the spur of the moment to play a very _different_ game, if you know what I mean."

Jessica could only whisper, "My...bed..." Then she said angrily, "How _dare_ you use _my_ bed! If you were going to go off somewhere to have your own dirty little games, why did you have to use _my_ bed? I actually have to _sleep_ in that tonight! _If_ I live to tonight at all!"

"If it makes you feel better, I could call Genji up and have him sterilize the sheets," suggested Battler.

"Genji was one of the victims," explained Kanon.

"Oh," said Battler. "Then, ah..."

"Look, we have our reasons for choosing _your_ bed," spoke Beato. "Maria was in the guest house, and this just happened to be the first room we stumbled upon."

Jessica was not satisfied: "But it's still _my_ bed! Where am I going to sleep _now?"_

"You're still with me in the guest house, remember?" said Battler. "And besides which, I have to ask...what were _you_ planning on doing if we weren't here, anyway?"

Blush creeped onto the faces of Kanon and Jessica. "Well...for your information, that is totally none of your business!" said Jessica quickly.

Beato let out a laugh: "So _you_ were also planning on having your own little games in here! The real reason you're mad is because we beat you to the punch!"

"T—that's not it at all!" stammered Kanon. "We weren't even _thinking_ of such disgraceful behaviour!"

"Oh?" said Beato, raising an eyebrow. "So _you_ think what I was doing with Battler just now was disgraceful?"

"Well," said Kanon uncomfortably, "that...depends...on what you were doing...the details of it, I mean."

Beato smiled over at Battler. "Should we tell him?"

Battler shook his head. "No," he said. "I think he's seen enough. We _are_ both naked, after all, and...GAH!" he gasped, pulling the sheets further up until they were up to his and Beato's chins.

"How about you two get dressed and we all just leave and pretend _this_ awkward little scenario never happened?" suggested Jessica.

"Best idea I've heard all day," muttered Beato.

* * *

After Battler and Beato got dressed, Jessica proposed that to make up for what had just happened, they would all play a game of Cluedo. However, it just so happened that the one game of Cluedo in the house happened to be in Kinzo's study. And when they arrived there, they did not find the game...but they _did_ find something very shocking...

"_Teacher?!?"_ whispered Beato, stunned to see Virgilia in the arms of...

"_Gaap?"_ said a disbelieving Battler, wondering how the heck it was even _possible_ to get into _that_ position.

* * *

"Okay, hold on a minute!" declared meta-Battler, putting a halt to this crazy scene. "I put up with this ridiculous scenario for as long as I could, figuring I'd let you have a bit of fun before objecting, but now it's getting out-of-hand. The next thing I know, you'll be showing Aunt Eva screwing Aunt Natsuhi! Worse yet, you'll show Kumasawa getting it on with Kinzo! And he's _dead!"_

"Can you _prove_ it didn't happen?" said Beato, raising an eyebrow. "This is Devil's Proof!"

"Of course I can!" said Battler self-defensively. "This is not Devil's Proof at all! Like, um...if we had sex, I would for sure remember it!"

"And that's because I'm so unforgettable, right?" said Beato flirtatiously.

"_No,"_ snapped Battler. "It's because...because I would for sure remember if I ever had sex with anyone, regardless of _who_ it was!"

"In that case," said Beato, "can you explain to me _how_ you got that bite mark on your ear? Or those scratch marks on your back?"

"Well, Beelzebub might've gotten hungry and nibbled on my ear," suggested Battler. "And, um...maybe Lucifer was, I don't know...giving me a massage? Now that that's over with, _don't_ plant another scenario like that in my mind _ever _again. Please go back to convincing me you're nice right up until I'm about to sign a weird contract, okay?"

Beato cackled, "Don't you just _love_ Devil's Proof, Battler?"

_End_


End file.
